Everything Is Wrong

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. My life has really slowed down…basically come to a screeching hault. I’m not happy, I’m not sad. I’m not busy, I’m not bored. I just am. My days lately have been me lying in bed, and my nights have been me watching TV and working. I haven’t been to church in three weeks. I haven’t read my Bible consistently in a long time, probably since February. I guess that’s when everything fell apart. I haven’t been angry at God, I just haven’t cared for God like I should, I guess. It seems like everytime my life really starts to fall in to place, like I’m actually growing up and living, God sees fit to take that away, and throw me back into this monotonous routine of work and sleep.

Please understand this, I have been to church since February. I’ve lifted my arms in praise to God, sworn to revamp my life, to rededicate my life to Him, but when I get home, I just lose it. It doesn’t seem as important, it’s not something I need to do. What I need to do is get paid better so I can move out, get my own car, live the life I want, be the person I want to be: being with friends, changing the church, working with youth, helping people out, loving and serving freely.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have been quite bitter towards the church lately. The selfishness, the misunderstandings, the misplaced focus, and the shallowness of the church has really made me question the authenticity of the church. I don’t want to be affiliated with people who claim to be loving and selfless, but when they’re in their lives everything is a witness to the contrary. I’ve attended three churches in the past year: one I attended for 20 years, the other one year, and the current one only a few months. With each of the first two, I’ve made friends and gotten involved, but I have not been able to find the Christianity I believe to be true. Please my friends I love you, this is not against you. If I really had a hatred or disgust towards you, I would not be writing this. I simply desire more than you do when it comes to my faith. I do not want a Christianity that defines honesty by concealing ugly truths, that finds humor in “that’s what she said,” that squelches any different line of thought simply cause it’s different from the appointed authorities, or that believes that youth and young adults should not interact, let alone allow guys and girls to be close friends. That is not my Christianity. Nor is it God’s.

Currently I am attending Status, once a young adult service at Discovery Church, now becoming an inter-generational church with a very modern take on life. I have been hesitant to get involved with the Bible studies and other activities there, because I love the services on Sunday nights, and do not want to be disappointed with the other functions of the church and once again be forced remove myself from the things I do not believe to be biblical. Even though I know I should get involved, I am afraid to…I want to have a church service that I can thoroughly enjoy and feel God’s presence every week. That’s what I want, that’s what I need.

This year I have done a lot of thinking. In the beginning of the year I was in a relationship with a girl that I truly loved. I wanted to be with her, forever. There was a catch though: she lived in Peru. We met on a missions trip in Ecuador. Within a weeks time, I had fallen in love with her. I know you’re probably questioning the sincerity of that love, but I am telling you, this was it. After the mission trip, we talked on the phone, Facebook, IM, almost every day. Things were going great. I began making plans to visit her in March for two weeks. In the middle of February, she sent me a message telling me that she just wanted to be friends, that she had been lying to herself and thus lying to me; she did not truly love me. While this was hard (I didn’t eat for 3-4 days), I continued making plans to visit her. We were good friends, and I was perfectly fine with being just that; all I wanted was a good, fun time with her, going to the beach and just hanging out. Many of my friends consulled me, suggesting I not go to Peru, because it would be painful and hard for me to bear. Despite their heeding, I continued making plans to Peru. The way I saw it, there was no biblical reason for me to not go to Peru and be with my friend. That initiated a train of thought within me, that the reason we as a society have become so shallow, is because we remove ourselves from situations where we have any the slightest chance of being hurt. Since when was life, especially the Christian life, supposed to be comfortable? We’ve become so consumed with ease and simplicity and comfortability, that it’s hard for us to undergo tempations and hard times. Paul was able to hang tough throughout all of his tortures and imprisonments because He was close to God and was experienced and unafraid of pain and hurt. We should do the same…experience the pain and hurt of life, and you’ll become stronger and wiser, and one day when you have kids, help them through it as well. Running from things we are not comfortable with or that may hurt us temporarily is stupid. That is wrong.

What is your definition of honesty? If one of your friends told you that they had started a rumor about you, would you trust that person, or would it have been better if they hadn’t of said anything? Or what if your spouse told you they had an affair? Would you no longer trust them? Maybe I’m just entirely different from everyone else, but if I was the person who had been wronged in either of those situations, I would trust that person more, because they told me the evil they had committed against me. If you would’ve responded in anger, you may want to check your level of selfishness: think of how that person is feeling. They just approached and confessed to you that they had done something to hurt you…I guarantee that that person feels worse than you do. Your feelings of betrayal do not compare at all to their feelings of guilt. Not trusting the person that just revealed an ugly truth is stupid. That is wrong.

I have always had a heart for youth. God has shown me how neglected the youth are, by pretty much the entire rest of the church. Sure you have a few people who get involved with the youth, but it’s nowhere near the level I think God desires for us. These kids are the next generation, the new lights for God…they should be valuable to us, more valuable than ourselves. I remember what it was like being youth: you never really got to do anything cool, never got to go out to eat (since no one could drive), outings had to be accompanied by parents (the kid doesn’t feel comfortable), etc. I remember I always wanted to hang out with the older guys, the guys that were considered young adults. Now that I am a young adult, I want give the youth an opportunity to grow up, to be with me, to watch what I do, to disciple them, to help them grow in Christ. I recently was a part of a discussion for a ministry that had served mostly young adults, and we were discussing whether or not to open it up to people of other age groups. While there was an interest in allowing the youth to participate (on a lesser level), that’s not what irritated me. The itch was much deeper: the reasons that the young adult didn’t want the youth to join them.

• I can’t be myself around the youth.
• What if I accidently curse?
• They’re annoying.
• We’re at different points in our lives.
• They have their own minstry.

Are you kidding me with this? All of those reasons are selfish. Why can’t you be yourself around the youth? Perhaps you should ask if you can be yourself around God. And sure, youth can be annoying, but so are you, get over it. And you’re darn right that you are at a different point in your life: you’ve already experienced what the youth are dealing with, so help them through it, and prepare them for what you’re currently going through. So what they have their own ministry? Should we have churches designated for certain age groups? That is stupid and foolish. We are to be building each other up, the older counseling and discipling the younger. The fact that we feel we need to be completely separate from other age groups (except on Sundays) just testifies to how selfish we have become. Get over yourselves, draw a larger circle, and love everyone.

I recently brought up several points in a Facebook note concerning love, and I’d like to relist them here for your benefit.

• “Love your enemy, and do good those who hate you” – Satan is God’s enemy, so therefore, what type of love/good does God express towards Satan?
• For those of you who believe in multiple types of love
  • what type of love is used in 1 Corinthians 13 “love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy…”
  • with which kind of love did jesus love his disciples? is that the same love with which jesus loves us? same love as with which jesus loves the lost?
  • with which type of love are we to love God?
  • with which type of love does God love Satan?

Think about these things. I personally do not believe that there are multiple types of love. I simply cannot see God telling us to love our Christian friends one way, our non-christian friends another, our enemies another, our spouse another, and our God another. Yes we are to love God more, but I think that it is all one love, not multiple types of love. If you are confused, here is a question that may clear it up.

Should there be a difference between the type of love you express for a spouse and the love you have for a friend? How is it different? Should your commitment to your friend be any less than you commitment to your spouse? (Sex is an allowance (gift) of marriage, not a type of love.)

I hope that helps.

There is a lot more I could say, but this post is already pretty long. For those of who would accuse me of stirring up “dissension and discord among believers,” that is not my intention at all. I am revealing with no shame or animosity injustices, wrongdoings, and abusements committed against or towards or around me, or things that I have perceived. I am disgusted with the church as it stands today…I am not ashamed to say that I believe in Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit, but I am ashamed to say that I am a Christian. Christians are hated, and for good reason. Christians do not stand for what they say they do…Christians claim they desire pure thoughts, and yet we toss up “that’s what she saids” around every corner, and curse every other word. Christians claim selflessness, and yet we would separate ourselves from people of another age because they’re annoying and we can’t be ourselves. Christians claim to be loving, and yet we are hostile towards people we are unfamiliar with or do not believe to be redeemable. Some Christianity. That is wrong.

Everything is wrong.

Will it ever become right? I hope so.