Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Nerve { Feel Everything }

Saturday, September 5th, 2009

I started a series not too long ago called Undiscovered Love. This series was to contain letters, poems, confessions, etc to my wife and/or family. My original plan was to post letters of happiness and joy and satisfaction here on YourBro, while stories and letters of forgiveness on my other site ForgiveMyLife.com. At some point along the way, I began to feel like ForgiveMyLife wasn’t really doing what I had envisioned it doing (spin-off of fmylife.com), but I still wanted to have a site full of emotion and feelings. And thus, Nerve came to being.

What is a nerve? Or a better question, what is the nervous system’s responsibility? To feel and respond. We all have nerves; our nerves keep us alive. Without our nerves, we would unknowingly destroy our bodies. In the same way, without emotions, we would unknowingly destroy our lives. If you think about it, the times you feel most alive are when your emotions are skyrocketing, good or bad (happy or sad). So why do we thicken our nerves? Why do we not trust our nerves, our emotions? They make you feel alive!

I’m re-reading “Feel” by Matthew Elliott, and man, this guy is hitting a lot of points that I wholly agree with. One thing he says that really hit me, is that one of the reasons we develop addictions, is because we no longer feel the things we should feel. We protect ourselves from pain and sorrow, or allow society’s rules to constrain our deep feelings of joy. What foolishness. God intends us to live fully, to live eternally. In our pursuit to control or restrain our passions and emotions, we are condeming ourselves to living embodiments of dullness. Wake up and live! Let your emotions feel, let them grow, let them burst, and respond to what you’re feeling! Show excitement, show joy, show pain, show anxiety! Live! Feel!

This is what Nerve is about: to express and discuss and reveal emotion. To encourage you and myself to feel, to live wildly and full of passion! The church is guilty of teaching us that emotions are evil and not trustworthy; what can we trust if not our emotions?! God is emotion, that is what indefinitely defines Him. God does not control His emotions, why should we? Draw close to God, and you will live a life full of emotion and wonder!

Let your nerves feel! Feel everything.

You can check out (and read more about) Nerve by going to nerve.yourbro.com.

The series Undiscovered Love and future posts of emotion will be on Nerve, while ForgiveMyLife.com will undergo renovation and become a depository of anonymous confessions and requests for forgiveness.

Marriage of Friends Before the Vows

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
I am turning 22 this year. It’s weird to think that I’ve been out of high school four years. Makes me wonder what I have truly accomplished for myself (and for others), and whether I am on the right track to becoming an adult, or if my laziness has defeated me and stunted my development into a Godly young adult. As I think about the past, I begin to also think about the future. If you read The Gray Morning you will know that one of my greatest desires is to love a woman, get married, and have a family. The thought of getting married does not frighten me, rather I view it as the final step into adulthood, to becoming the man that God wants me to be; the challenges and things that God wants for us should be accepted and pursued and fought for. Achieving the victory of being married will no doubt be the highlight of my life. Even though I am not frightened by the eventual reality of marriage, it is a stage of life that is unknown to me, and so in an attempt to be as Godly a husband and father as possible, I have taken to reading and listening to books and sermons about marriage and assuming the role (with confidence and strength) that I will have in that dynamic. As I devote my conscious thought to marriage, I have come to realize that though in our minds we separate friendship and marriage as two different levels or degrees of companionship, in fact they are more similar (almost identical) than we genuinely accept them to be. (more…)

The Dawn Is Breaking

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
The time after the gray morning, it is fulfilling, it is life, it is contagious. The dawn is consuming what darkness still remains. As it breaks, like an ocean wave cresting into white foam, it swallows that which is past, and does not look back. It pushes onward, growing stronger and brighter the further it goes. The path it has travelled is clear and cut, and the way ahead is shut, but it does not care: it simply destroys that which stands in it’s way.

Christians are to live in this time, where the breaking of the dawn dominates all life. We are to be light, to consume darkness, to learn from our past failures and victories, and pursue with confidence our God, that gives us strength to destroy all that attempts to barricade our path. (more…)

The Gray Morning

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

My favorite time of day is the morning, between 5 and 6am, when the world is waking up. The warmth and light of the sun is present, but not yet bright enough to allow for a clear contrast of colors; everything looks gray. The grass is damp from the morning’s mist, the air still brisk. Often  I find myself looking out the window over the headboard of my bed, watching the cold of the early morning be burnt away, thinking about the troubles and pains of life, and about things I could and should do differently. The gray morning, it’s magical. It’s peaceful, but anxious. It’s sleeping, it’s alive. It’s wet, it’s dry. It’s boring, it’s interesting.

I think the gray morning is my favorite time of day, because it is symbolic of how I feel about my life. There is so much potential, so much good, so many things I can accomplish, but I’m afraid to step out of the dark, to run out the door and burn away the sin I find so much comfort in. Most of you have heard my testimony and know that I have struggled with pornography since middle school. The ugliness of this sin really is appalling, and I always tell myself after an episode that I won’t do it again, and yet I find myself the next day, turned on by the smallest thing, and yet another episode. It really is disgusting, and I feel almost inhuman afterwards. The thought of what I have just witnessed, and the affect it will have on the relationship I have with my friends and hopefully a wife and family someday, pains me to the point of not wanting to get up, for fear of participating in such an activity again. And yet I know that victory without a fight is no victory at all. It is rather a foolish manuever to avoid change, to keep things the same, to bask in the comfortability of habit and familiarity. To move forward, without actually moving. (more…)

Everything Is Wrong

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. My life has really slowed down…basically come to a screeching hault. I’m not happy, I’m not sad. I’m not busy, I’m not bored. I just am. My days lately have been me lying in bed, and my nights have been me watching TV and working. I haven’t been to church in three weeks. I haven’t read my Bible consistently in a long time, probably since February. I guess that’s when everything fell apart. I haven’t been angry at God, I just haven’t cared for God like I should, I guess. It seems like everytime my life really starts to fall in to place, like I’m actually growing up and living, God sees fit to take that away, and throw me back into this monotonous routine of work and sleep.

Please understand this, I have been to church since February. I’ve lifted my arms in praise to God, sworn to revamp my life, to rededicate my life to Him, but when I get home, I just lose it. It doesn’t seem as important, it’s not something I need to do. What I need to do is get paid better so I can move out, get my own car, live the life I want, be the person I want to be: being with friends, changing the church, working with youth, helping people out, loving and serving freely. (more…)