…kiss.

I found myself at another meeting the other day, discussing the possible avenues of Internet publishing with a friend of mine. It was like any other meeting I had had concerning web presence, until the meeting was over. Being a writer, and I figure most writers are this way, she was drawn to the book store in the same plaza where we had met. And so, invariably, we entered the jungle of books, known as Barnes & Noble.

We walked up and down the aisles, my friend telling me how good a particular fiction book series was, me nodding along, asking questions, laughing when appropriate, especially when I had no idea about what she was talking about. We laughed at a few of the kid’s books, leafed through some photography books, but eventually, we ended up in what I think is the coziest section of that store: the Christianity section. I find myself there often, even though I rarely actually take anything off the shelf. My curiosity leads me there, to see if any of my favorite authors have published again, or to just laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the books there.

Eventually, we found ourselves tucked next to a bookshelf and a door, a few books strewn on the ground around us: Captivating, Wild at Heart, a book by C.S. Lewis, and an ESV study bible. The topic of course, was relationship. Not really a surprise, I know. Most of our conversation centered on the subject of gender roles and growth, both of which are discussed in Captivating (per women) and Wild at Heart (per men). But somehow, we arrived in a discussion of regret, of worth, of treasuredness.

Yes, I do still have my first kiss, and I intend to keep it till my wedding day. You might think that crazy, ridiculous, pointless. Some of you might think it admirable: the store clerk listening in on our conversation flashed a thumbs up. Why am I saving it? Cause it’s special. Cause it’s something that is given away casually, even in the church. Cause in a world that pulls at everything we have, it’s one thing I feel like I have a great amount of discretion and control over.

Whether in response to a question, or on my own, I recall talking about my attitude in dating someone who had given away their first kiss. As I do still possess reasoning skills, I jumped to the extremity: promiscuity. If I was dating someone and found out that they had given away their virginity, what would my attitude be?

I don’t think anyone can accurately answer that till they’ve actually been there. Nevertheless, my answer in that moment: if the person had sought repentance before God, and expressed remorse about no longer having it, then I would feel even closer to her, probably even more protective of her, and especially myself. So that’s the extremity. But a kiss isn’t as serious a deal as sex, is it? To you, perhaps not. I have several friends that I respect who are married (or not) and had or have given their first kiss before they were married. In that moment, I had to come up with an answer. My answer was the same as with pre-martial sex: repentance and remorse.

That question has stuck with me though, and I’ve had more time to think about a good answer, perhaps even the correct one. Wouldn’t it be amazing if my first kiss was shared with lips that also still had their first kiss? Absolutely. And to be honest, I’m kind of hoping for that. Is it a deal breaker? Certainly not. But…

There is a sacredness to relationship, as created by God, that the world has completely discarded, and has drained from Christian relationship. Do I think pre-martial kissing is a sin? No. Do I think giving into desires before their appointed time is a sin? Yes. (You can read more about that in To Freedom.) But, I also understand that everyone is different. My top love language is physical touch, so for me, I have a responsibility to guard myself and others in how I interact with them physically, and I guard it tightly. I want to save my first kiss, because it’s an added oomph of special that I can bring; an indication that I’ve set the bar high, that I fought for it, that I valued something that has very little worth to the majority of humanity.

To be plain, if she has given her first kiss, I don’t think it will bother me to the point that we need to discuss it. If she wishes that she could take it back, that would mean a lot to me, but ultimately, that’s her call.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I realized I had not considered the full breadth of the topic. I was sure of my own conviction, intention, and desire, but what of how it is interpreted by the other? It is very possible that, as is easily perceivable in the case of promiscuity, that my “kiss virginity” would make her feel of lesser value, filled with shame or regret, that the specialness I had attributed a kiss with would convey that she was shallow, or undeserving of someone who had held onto something she (had) considered to be “cheap.”

This presents an interesting dilemma. Do I give up my first kiss to make her feel better, to allow her to rest more easily, to assure her that I do not think she is shallow? That although she may feel of less worth or undeserving, that it could very well be that she’s the one I’m saving it for. How do I, in those moments when she may be having those thoughts, properly convey that my choice to withhold a goodnight kiss is not in allowance that she may not become a permanent part of my life, but rather a decision to increase it’s value exponentially with each passing day that we spend together?

Ultimately, she’ll probably never be truly convinced. But with God as our source and provider of love, I am confident that she will eventually believe that I hold my first kiss, not to be a “brighter light” or to “hold myself higher,” but that in doing so, I add value to my first, and that value may someday be gifted to her.

Love is more sensitive [more aware] than hatred itself to every blemish in the beloved.
- C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, chapter 3

Lewis nailed that on the head. In love, we are drawn deeper into them the more imperfections we know. Often I feel compelled to wrap a friend up in my arms when I see them struggling with an imperfection, rather than to steer clear of them. There’s just a recognition of the grand opportunity presented, and to let is pass by is, well, unthinkable.

So I know I rambled on quite a bit, and didn’t take a direct route to my topic, but there’s a lot here. Ultimately, we should never compromise our beliefs, our boundaries, our personal legalisms, for the benefit of another. Rather, love should abound in such a great way that imperfection paints a perfect picture. That any judgement or shame that may have once existed is washed away, fell victim to the weight of the torrential but gentle downpour of God’s mercy and forgiveness.

I still have my first kiss. And I’m holding on to it. Not because I’m awesome, but because she’s awesome, because she’s beautiful, because she’s a treasure. Because she’s worth waiting for, even if she doesn’t yet believe it.

May God be glorified in all that we do, and in all that we hope for. <3