Haha this is a great testimony. When I told the people involved, I couldn’t stop smiling. It should’ve been embarrassing, but it’s not. God was so present, and he used them so wonderfully and powerfully, it….ahhhh even now I’m smiling. It’s so good.
It was a Monday night, and the volleyball league at my old church had just started. I was anxious to play some hard volleyball again, and to have some of my new friends share and join in that large part of my life. The day before, I had gently invited several of them to come and watch me play the game that I love, knowing that I was being vulnerable, and there was a good chance that no one would show up. But there was a part of me that was sure that at least one person would show up; not a particular person, but at least someone would come.
But no one did.
I remember three things about that night: that we lost our game, that I was hurt that none of my friends came, and how I felt lying in bed that night. I wasn’t upset about the loss, though of course I would have preferred the win, and I knew I was disappointed that none of my friends had come, but I believed that God was there, and so, I should be okay with that: what greater fan is there than God? I quickly convinced myself that I shouldn’t be hurt, that it was just me and God, and that was all I needed. Or, at least, should need.
As I lay in bed that night, something within me was restless. I didn’t understand specifically what it was asking for (though I should have), but I felt compelled to reach out and talk, not about anything in particular (though I should have known what I needed to talk about), but just to connect with someone, and spend some time in conversation with a dear heart.
“Are you awake?” My first text went out to my first choice friend. She was a new friend, but God has been gracious and our hearts have connected deeply. She responded that she was up, and true to her caring heart, asked if I was okay. I responded yes, and told her that I was just looking for someone to talk to before bed. She was more than happy to be that for me, and so, we made small talk. Until, it was no longer small talk, and I was no longer okay.
As we continued our conversation, I realized what was restless inside of me: I felt alone. I felt abandoned. That even though God had blessed me with a wonderful family of friends, I still felt so far away, taking pieces off the fringe. I wanted more, I wanted to get deeper, and I wasn’t happy with the way things were. I was deeply hurt that none of my friends had come to my game, and it was disguising itself in anger and frustration, which I was unleashing on my dear, dear friend.
I was growing frustrated with her, with our conversation: she didn’t seem to have anything for me, saying all the wrong things, I felt like she was completely missing how hurt I was. Even though I wasn’t yelling or speaking in a raised voice, I certainly could have. I was angry, and my friend was taking the heat from it. And then, oh man……..then God showed up. The best way I can describe it…picture yourself talking with a person, face to face. Deep in conversation, I was oblivious to anything going on around me. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, annoyed that someone was interrupting me. The Holy Spirit looked me in the eye and said “you’re talking to the wrong person.” He took a step back, eyes not blinking, quietly communicating “you’re move: what’re you going to do?”
I apologized to my friend, withdrew from the conversation, turned myself towards the Holy Spirit, and talked with Him. Immediately, I felt peace: I knew I wasn’t alone. That it was, just me and God, but to pretend I wasn’t hurt because of that truth…it was a lie to myself. I fell into honesty, and realized, that in my hurt, my relationship with God is the only relationship that has any weight. That my relationship with God was the avenue through which all my other relationships even existed! And if I was not honest with God, if I was not pursuing God, then my other relationships would suffer deeply. God is more than capable of taking my anger, and my friend, even though she was willing to listen, she couldn’t do anything about it. She couldn’t fix it, or make it better, or comfort me, or explain it: I was talking with the wrong person.
I later explained what had happened to my friend involved, thanking her for allowing herself to be used by God to show me how I felt and for her understanding that although my anger was displayed at her, it was not anger towards her, but anger towards God. I apologized for not withdrawing sooner, and she was grateful to have been involved in that moment of my life. That God had kept her awake, to draw me into reconciliation with God. If I hadn’t of reached out, I don’t know what would’ve happened that night: probably something not good. But God was faithful: He provided for me, and He saved me.
Who are you talking to? Friends are great, but they can only do so much. More often than we do, we need to break away from our friends, and talk with God. We need to increase our sensitivity, and open ourselves up to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. We need to stop yelling at our friends, and start yelling at God. He can take it. He will never stop loving you. He wants us to be honest, to be real, to be genuine. I promise you, He can take it. So…
Who are you talking to? Talk to the One who can save you, to the One who can help you. To the One who can take whatever you’ve got, and make it better.
Talk to God.