It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, it’s that I don’t know how to say it. It’s not that what’s on my mind is of trivial importance, it’s that it’s so important I don’t want to do it insult by attempting to put it into words.

I know what’s in my head, I know what I want: to completely, unreservedly give myself over to loving someone. That’s what I want, probably more than anything else other than deep communion with God. People all around me are pairing up, being blessed/stressed with partnership, as if it just comes to them naturally, no big deal. How do they do that? I’m trying so hard to be happy for my friends, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. It’s like I missed a whole class, everyone is graduating, and I’m just a spectator: I’m happy for them, but I so wish I was walking the stage with them.

Deep down, I know I’m not ready for intimate relationship: I just couldn’t handle that. But does anybody ever? In my imagination, relationship is like you’ve just been launched from a slingshot, and you’re doing your best to avoid rocks and trees, to eventually land on your feet, to keep your cool. I feel like at every point, I would over-steer, over-correct, doing everything I possibly could to keep soaring, but eventually crash landing in despair and misery.

I’m not ready for it; I’m ready to be ready for it. I want it so badly, but I want to do it right. I don’t want to be afraid, I don’t want to be over-bearing, I don’t want to be jealous: I want to be loving, gentle, caring, trusting. I want to just sit quietly, and not be embarrassed when I’m caught staring.

God, when will it be my turn? I’m trying hard to love You most; help me to love You more.

Hold me. Be my comfort. Wipe away my tears. Tell me it’s going to be awesome.

Just a little while longer.

Be still, My son.

Be still.